~POSTMANIA~

I’ve gone mental on doing my blog. It’s like, pause for a minute. Take a step away from the technology and upon return find myself a total ignorant as to how things work.

Now, I’ve never really gotten the beat of what ticks beneath developing software and the internet application that speaks behind the ins and outs of sharing info over the World Wide Web. No, I am a pretender. But then, we all are some where, aren't we.

Still, I want to play. And I think I have something to say. So try my hand at it when it suits me. Not nearly as much as I think I want to…

Procrastination is a bugger. It dresses itself up in busy mundane tasks of familiarity and whispers sweet-nothings that tell me there’s always tomorrow. I succumb to its charms. And another day passes…

The question isn’t really whether one choice is more valuable than another. I’ve learned long ago there are no ‘standard’ hierarchy of values, but rather the order each of designates according to what we believe most serves us.

The question for me then is, at the close of another ‘busy’ day, do I know myself any better, my children? Was I present? Did I laugh; feel deeply and happily enjoying my busy-ness? Or was the day fraught with inattentiveness, wishing I were somewhere else, in another time, when the all the tasks were done.

The thing about being a giver is that if you’re not sincere; in other words, attempt to give what you don’t have. It is a mark of maturity to recognize that the only thing we can ever share is ourselves.

I can’t begin to tell you how many years I lived in this kind of un-presence, where when ‘enough’ was done; there would be time for me… Today, it bores me. I prefer the peace that can only be found in total presence…

See, here’s what I did with the ‘keeping a blog’ thing, as I have with other things along the way:

It starts with making a compartment in my mind for said particular thing, putting a label on it of sorts, like “I’m a blogger”. Now naturally, whole lists of defining terms start lining up under the heading. All manner of expectations and criteria, complete with procedures to follow and necessary training flood in; exciting, complicating, confusing and actually hampering the actual production. And before I know it, and if I’m not paying attention, I could find the label ‘failure’ stamped in red across the whole show.

Now see. Nothings really happened here, just a mental exercise in busyness, a distraction from reaching in and being fresh in each moment, learning and understanding for simply the delicious experience that being joyously fully present when doing anything brings…

That’s what this little explorative exercise is all about, zeroing in the troops of my mind, previously delegated to expectations and other unnecessary constructs; and getting naked with my mind again, and exploring the endless little nooks and crannies that make me tick.

I am forever fascinated by what I find in my mind. This is, it turns out, what interests me. What turns me on... Would it interest others? I can’t know. And, I find, I can’t care… Am I a blogger? Who knows? I enjoy this…. and, Joy is what I’m about, after all.